The Struggle Within
Recently I have had a stupid idea stuck in my head that I was going to stop my medication. I was just tired of it and tired of being on all these pills that the VA likes to prescribe to all Vets. I had even made up my mind that I was just going to stop all of them, not just my HIV medication. Yeah I know this sounds crazy, and the more I thought about it the crazier it sounded even to me.
I had to realize that even though I dislike taking these medications, they are essentially the contributing factor to what is keeping me healthy and able to continue my normal life. If taking 30 seconds out of my day to take my medications means I get to live a healthy somewhat normal life, then that is something I can deal with.
I think this type of thought passes through most of our heads at one time or another. That we just want to stop and let nature (aka this virus) run it course and so-be-it what ever the outcome may be. My main thought in this was that I would be able to keep the virus in check myself. It took me over three years of being HIV Positive before I even needed to consider taking medication, and I didn’t really have to start then, but it was my choice to go ahead and get it over with. I knew I would eventually have to start, and I figured the sooner, the better. Well, I thought that if it took me that long with a detectable viral load the whole time, that now that I am undetectable, I should be fine. Yes, I know that is not how it works. As I said, it was a stupid thought.
I had no real plan except to just stop. I had not really educated myself on all the facts and I sure as hell did not know what the consequences of my actions would be. I will admit that I missed one dose of all my meds, but the very next day I regretted it. I kept thinking on the subject, and the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized that damn, I like living.
I also think my pride kicked in a bit. Why should I allow this virus to control me or my life? Why should I give it the satisfaction of knowing that it is winning? Hell no, I am a fighter and I will continue to fight for as long and as hard as I can. It took some strong words from some very dear friends for my mind to finally kick this stupid idea out, and for that I am very thankful.
Thinking back on it now, how could I just choose to give up? And that is exactly what I would have been doing if I had decided to stop. So, I had my pity party and then I got the hell over it and started thinking straight again.
To be honest again, this was a very hard decision but I really just needed a reality check to get my head back in the game. Deciding to not stop is probably going to be one of the best decisions I make in at least 2015. Who knows what the future will hold for me, but right now I take it one day at a time just like anyone else.