A Letter to “Him”

There are many instances where Mental Health Providers will ask a patient to write a letter to someone who has passed on or someone who has wronged them.  In many of these instances the letters never actually get sent to the person they were intended for, but it is used as a way of therapy to help someone over come something or be able to move on.

Well this is what I am doing in this blog.  I have often thought to myself… If I had one chance to say something to the person who infected me with HIV, what would I say?  **As a side note, I do not know who infected me**

 

To you,

I want to start of by saying I am sorry.  I have carried a lot of anger towards you for many years and it is not your fault.  Yes, you infected me with a virus that I will live with for the rest of my life but you were ignorant and probably did not even know your own status at the time.  If you did know your status then I do feel pity for you.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what happened and how my life has changed, but I think I am finally getting the hang of it.  I can’t tell you who I might of been today if you had not infected me, but I can tell you that I am now stronger than ever.

I have let this virus and you control me for way to long now and I will not allow it to do so any longer.  It is time for me to move on with my life and use the lessons I have learned to help others.  You gave me this, this desire to help and inspire others.  I am now able to use my story for the good.  For this I owe you thanks.

All of the blame does not lie with you, part of it is mine to claim.  I could of insisted on a condom or just said no.  I could of asked you point blank about your status which I am pretty sure I did not.  There are so many things that could of been done different but it does no good to think about those anymore because just like you, I am unable to change the past.

So this is it.  We are parting ways and I am saying good bye to you.  I can’t say that I will never think of you again because truth is I probably will from time to time, but it will no longer be in anger.  I will try and think of you as the person who changed my life forever.

Sincerely,

Brian

 

Even while writing this letter, I read it over and over more times then I can count and to be honest it has not been easy.  I do believe that this may be a turning point for me or at least I hope it is.  I need to learn to let go of the past.  By living in the past, we miss the present.  So here is to a new future with endless possibilities.

9 comments on “A Letter to “Him””

  1. Jared says:

    I read your post on the letter to him, it touched me to my core, I have had hiv for almost 3 years and I know the person who ended up infecting me, it was a process of elimination at that point. It took me over a year to figure out how I felt and what I wanted to write, you just feel so many emotions it feels overwhelming. I chose to forgive that person, even after finding out that I wasn’the the only one he infected, I endured shame and hurt having to inform previous partners that they needed to get checked out, it wasn’t fun and my feelings were hurt severely from the response. I grew and I learned, forgiving was the most important part, knowing that you can’t go back from that, means you have to learn to go on, still I admit that sometimes not a day goes by that I wish it were different. I pleaded with that person to get checked and turn his life around, I let him know how I felt and how I have to deal with being hiv. I admitted my role in that instance because I had a condom on hand, and I should have used it, my self esteem and self worth at that time was low and I thought I was lucky to just be picked, I was just too scared to walk away. Now with help I’m seeing that it takes steps and I can say I’m hiv positive and take it for what it’s worth, I still get up and put my pants on one leg at a time. Brian thanks for all that you and so many others have shown, I would have never thought you could have hiv and still keep so much of yourself in tact.

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