5 Year Anniversary

I never thought that if you had told me on February 23, 2010 that I would still be sitting here today, 5 years later, that I actually would be.  So much has changed with in my life in these past 5 years and not all of it has been the best.  I have had my share of ups and plenty of downs.  Today is an example…

I keep telling myself every year that I will not let this date effect me but some how every year it does.  I find myself lost and not able to concentrate on anything important.  I do know this is all mind over matter and I just have to tell myself that, but still telling myself and making myself believe are two totally different things.   Every year I spend the day reliving that day I found out and I keep going over the details over and over again in my head.  It is like a endless loop of a nightmare.

This year for some reason it has been really hard on me.  Usually in the past it has not been this bad, but this year just seems different and I can’t tell you why.  I find myself sitting here at work and I have to keep my music playing to keep myself from just breaking down and crying.  I have been on the verge too many times already tonight.

Now please don’t get me wrong.  I am so happy to still be here and so happy for some of the things I have achieved, especially in the past year or so.  I have gotten my page up and running thanks to all of you who have been here to support me, and I have been building my outreach through Facebook (www.facebook.com/AMarineAndHIV).  I have had the chance to interact with so many people and hear so many remarkable stories.  It makes me grateful to be part of such an awesome community.  Though we all come from different backgrounds, we are able to come together and be united.

Even now I am finding it hard to concentrate on what I want to say and I feel like it is just coming out as a rambling mess.

This coming year I want to grow even more, not just in my outreach, but also as  an individual.  There are so many things I still want to do and to learn and I am not going to let myself be held back any longer.

Recently (within the past week) I had another appointment at the VA and had to have more tissue removed.  The Doctor also said that I need to have yet even more biopsies in my next visit.  I think that is part of what is just weighing me down right now.  I am over all this and I just want it to end.  Are all these procedures necessary and is there any real evidence to show that they are beneficial? I guess I am just tired of it.

So yes, I should be sitting here working, responding to my Customer Service e-mails but I just can’t right now.  I can’t focus on what I need to tell the customer and I have almost cursed multiple customers and fellow employee’s out tonight.  I think I just need to get home and hopefully get some sleep.  Sleep always seems to help.

I will say, I am finally starting to become more comfortable with my situation and the fact that I am HIV Positive.  I still do not think I am ready to just shout it from the roof tops but I am taking baby steps.   Opening up the Facebook page was a huge step for me.  I still don’t have it linked to my personal page and I am not sure if I ever will but it gives me a chance to interact on people on a more personal level.

I think this is all I am up for typing tonight.  I just wanted to get something out to everyone because I do try to make sure I do a blog post every year on this date.  It is kind of a tradition.

9 comments on “5 Year Anniversary”

  1. Matthew says:

    I’m glad I found this blog. Thanks Brian. Love you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *